Welcome to the 21st Century Captain Hook
by Alqalunte
Summary: One-shot. Between S3 and S4. Apparently Killian has acquired a new cellphone and is texting everyone he knows, except Emma.


Welcome to the 21st Century Captain Hook

Okay, so this is what Emma had been able to figure out thus far. First, it all started thanks to her baby brother Neal's cuteness as her mother bombarded Ruby's phone with adorable pictures with hourly updates.

Apparently this had made her dad extremely jealous; firstly because he had a flip phone and therefore downloading an image took for ever, secondly because he wanted to bombard his best friend, her sort-of boyfriend, with pictures of his own, and finally he was also upset because his so called best friend didn't own a phone. So in the end baby Neal, in his short time on this earth, had achieved what the cell phone company hadn't, have her father get a much need upgrade.

Second, once David had arrived to the phone store he had a stroke of genius, or so he called it, as he got a "family" plan. Which meant that he got a new phone for himself plus one for his best friend, with unlimited calling and messaging. Yep, because them been _mates _wasn't weird enough.

So, what Emma had initially dismissed as an epic baby photolimpics during office hours between her parents turned out to be a marathon text message session between David and Killian.

Emma had interrupted this session by commenting to her father that if he kept texting his mother every two minutes they wouldn't have anything to talk about when he got home. To which her father innocently answered, "I haven't texted Mary Margaret in over two hours", a pause, a *ding*, he turn around to check his message and replied. "I'm texting Killlian" he said dismissively and continued with his outstanding police work.

And there it was, the news that had stunned Emma like a bucket of cold water. She didn't now what had shocked her more; her father's acquisition of new technology (she remembered that he _loved _his flip phone); her pirate's initiation into the modern world; or the fact that her sort-of boyfriend had a phone and hadn't even bother of telling her or phoned her at all. _The last one_, Emma thought, _the last one really pisses me off_.

Later that day Emma responded to a call, and she found herself in the squad car patrolling the streets. She had ended a neighbor dispute between a cat and dog, literally. So, after returning the peace to the streets of Storybrooke she didn't feel like going back to the station ad glare at the back of her father's head the rest of the day. If she was going to be honest with herself she had to admit that she was a little vexed with him.

Her phone binged and she opened a new message and found a picture of Neal comically yawning. _Damn her baby brother was cute_.

As she tucked her phone away with a smile plastered over her face she spotted something in the street that she didn't expect, her pirate. That wasn't the unexpected part, what really left her speechless was his outfit. Black jeans, blue t-shirt, navy hoodie and a black leather jacket. He looked good, but what was the modern world doing to _her_ pirate, and why was she the last to know about these changes.

Emma got out of the squad car, closing the door with a little more force than necessary, and she walked purposefully after Killian. Yes she had cooled things down after the kiss at Granny's. He had taken it so-so, a little disappointed she had noticed, but now he was up-and-about in the world and apparently he had frozen her out of his life. _Not cool buddy, not cool_.

"Killian" she said as she sped up to catch him. She was welcomed with a sincere smile and a twinkly in his eyes. _Okay, so I'm not getting the cold shoulder?_ He seemed delighted to see her. Now Emma was confused.

"Swan," he answered enthusiastically, "how's your day love?" he inquired as she reached him.

"Fine so far" she said, testing the waters and waiting for him to announce his news, "what's _new _with you?" she said innocently.

He grinned, "New clothes" he pointed out matter-of-factly, "you like?"

"Yeah, you look nice and almost normal." He still had his hook.

"Aye, Mary Margaret wanted me to leave the hook behind, but I didn't feel like changing every thing on one go," he said. "Do you mind if we walk. I have an appointment I can't miss, life or death I was told." He finished as he spurred her to follow him. Which was difficult because Emma thought he just said that her mother had dressed him. She was flabbergasted.

They walked in silence for a couple of minutes until Emma broke it with a question.

"How did my mother end up giving you a make over?" she said, her voice containing anger, annoyance and confusion. If someone was going to give Killian a makeover it should have been her. Plus, Killian and her mom didn't actually hang out that much, actually, the barely tolerated each other.

They turned a corner.

"Ah, your father made me accompany them to Costco last Saturday" stated the pirate. "I wanted to spend time with Dave, your parents needed supplies, and your mother was tired of being cooped up in the apartment, so we all made a group thing out of it.

"And before I knew it Mary Margaret was handing me stuff to try out and David said that I should just go with it and well, here we are." He finally finished and come to a stop in from of what Emma recognized to be Henry's school's playground. Killian wiggled his eyebrows as if to make note of his impeccable ability to coordinate his conversation with the arrival to what she suspected was the meeting spot for his _business_.

"Okay?" said Emma, "why are we over at Henry's school?"

As she finished her sentence the school bell went off and suddenly a sea of kids flooded the playground. Her son was jogging towards them.

"Killian!" said Henry, no hello's or how are you's, _where were his manners?_ "Did you bring it?"

Emma noticed that Henry was huffing and puffing; he was not in great shape after spending a year playing video games in New York.

"Aye I did," said Killian as he produced a notebook from his satchel.

"Thanks, you're a real lifesaver!" Emma saw relief in her son's eyes, "I have to go! Bye mom! Thank Killian, see you guys later." And with that her son left with the speed of a teen that didn't want to be seen hanging around his parents in public. _Bad shape my ass_.

"He forgot his homework," Killian informed her, but she had already figured that out. She smiled sweetly at Killian and then frowned.

"You don't have a key to our apartment," she said scowling at him.

"Pirate!" he taunted at her as he laughed. She'd have to check the locks when some time, but she really didn't mind if Killian decided to go into her place. But before she could say anything else Killian, or something upon him, broke into song. _The phone!_ She thought bitterly as she remembered why she was vexed with him and her dad. _Is that the tune from Iron Man?_

"Jones," he answered right in front of her, _the nerve!_ "Aye… yes… no… what?!... Regina leave me alone I brought his homework, now don't you have a town to run? … Bye." He hanged up, as if it was perfectly normal for a technological inexperience pirate from the Enchanted Forest to master technology in such a nonchalant way.

_Regina!?_ Regina had her boyfriend's (_sort-of boyfriend_) number? _Hell no! Now that's just rude!_

"So you got a phone," she stated. Her voice reminded Killian of the calm before the storm.

"No," he said, "I didn't." _Not cute_. Though Emma. "Dave got me a phone." He grinned at his technicality. _Not funny_. Then Killian realized that Emma was not happy and that he was in trouble. He began to scratch the back of his head nervously. _Now that was cute_.

"And you didn't tell me!" She erupted, "I had to find it out from my dad, with whom apparently you text every two minutes, and now Regina also has your number?" *Ding* went his phone. Nothing happened. "Aren't you going to check that?" she said as her eyes narrowed in a threatening way. Killian eyes, on the other had, wondered nervously trying to find a place to settle, anywhere but Emma's face of his phone.

"Mmm… no, I'm sure is just your mother sending me another picture of your brother" there was a little fear in his voice. _Good_.

"Oooh… so my mother is also a part of this new texting you thing?"

"Yes."

"Rhetorical" she snapped back.

"Right."

They shared an awkward silence. Emma was trying to pierce his skull with her stare. Killian, whose wide eyes didn't really know where to land.

"In my defense" Killian added to break to silence, "when your father handed me the apparatus he said he had programmed the families numbers into it and then I realized that your wasn't in it. So I though that that was Dave's passive-aggressive way of saying stay away from my daughter, mate."

Emma was dumbfounded. It did sounded like something her dad would do, but this guy, _her_ pirate, usually couldn't careless of what David wanted, especially when it was about her.

"Plus," he said trying to appease her, "a few says ago you said that you wanted for us to cool down" *bing* went his cell. He glanced down to check the message and then ushered her to move along. Then he continued, "So I thought that I'd give you some space, so I didn't push the matter of getting your number any further."

"How considerate of you," she said with more than a touch of sarcasm. "Let me see it" she commanded as she extended her hand to receive the so-called "apparatus."

Killian handed it over without a fight, and so they sat down in a bench down the street.

"I just want to get to know this new side of you and see who has had the privilege of talking to you all weekend instead of me" she said defensively.

"Aye, I guess you are feeling left out don't you love?" he said knowingly. Damn him and his ability to read her. She scowled at him just to show her discontent further. He smiled at her with the confidence as a twinkle returned to his eyes.

"You went to Costco with my parents," she said as she pouted. She felt sad about that but mostly she felt confused. In her mind Killian had spent the weekend in contemplative solitude, hopefully thinking of her. _No, that can't be right! The man has a life of his own. Let him have a life of his own! But why did he have to have this so called life with __**her**__ parents!? _

"Well, you are welcome to take me and Henry to _Costco_ anytime if that makes you happy" he said with little sarcastic smile, but his tone was good natured, "and by the way, _Costco_ if not a real word." Grammar Nazi! Emma couldn't contain her smile at that observation.

She began to scroll his messages and frowned. His most recent conversation was with Henry.

H: 'Please stop fighting in front of my school!'

'Please.'

'Thnx.'

So that is why they had changed locations.

"He's embarrassed by us!" Emma said in disbelieve.

"Aye, but only in front of his schoolmates" said Killian with a chuckle. "He is growing up, Swan, let him be."

Emma decided to return her attention to something much less depressing than her son's current overly teenaged attitude.

WS: 'Good morning!'

'Whatchadoin'?'

K: "What?"

WS: 'What are you doing?'

K: 'Why couldn't you write that to begin with?'

WS: 'I'm bored.'

'Let's go to the Froyo place. '

K: 'No.'

WS: 'Please?'

'Pretty please?'

K: 'Ask me later. '

Emma noted two things from this conversation. First, WS was needy persons. _Please let it be a guy, if not then Killian is in __**so**__ much trouble_. Second, her pirate knew how to use emoticons, go figure.

She brazed herself. "Who is WS?" she said casually but she still was eyeing her pirate suspiciously.

"Smee," he stated, "his first name is William" he added, a little bored with the question.

Emma roared with laughter. When she was a little girl and she watched the old Disney movie her favorite part was the interaction between Captain Hook and Mr. Smee. She loved that in real life that relationship was reversed. Killian was the consoling adult, and Smee the pampered child searching for attention.

She turned serious, or at least she tried to, as she turned to her side to look at Killian straight in the eye. "Take him to the Froyo place!" She tried to deliver her command with stoic seriousness and failed epically at it.

"No!" said Killian, looking a little bit more childish. "I took him last Friday and Sunday! Out of the question. You take him."

"But in the afternoons he is your friend!" she said with a wicked smile on her face. Yep, she was sort of quoting _The Lion King_, and she loved every minute of it.

Killian sighed in annoyance.

"How about this," said Emma with a diplomatic tone, "after Henry comes out from school we all take Smee to the Froyo place." She finished this suggestion with and angelic smile as she tilted her head toward her pirate.

"Oh, he'll love that." Said Killian with sarcasm as he took his phone back and texted Smee. *ding*

WS: ' '

Killian looked annoyed. Emma hugged him sweetly and took the phone back. This wasn't over yet. She opened another conversation.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

K: 'Enough is enough! It's 1:45 in the morning!'

MM: 'I'll never stop! Muahahahahah!'

K: 'Your punctuation is a clear sign of madness.'

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Picture of Neal.

Her mother was really outdoing herself.

"My mom texts you more than she texts me!" She said with a pout. "I mean, I hadn't even seen these pictures." She pointed at the screen that was showing a still of her baby brother sleeping with a lion toy.

"Aye, she said that it was because I don't have a job and therefore she is not disturbing anything important," he said looking even more annoyed than before, "but she is disturbing my sleep." *ding* A new pic arrived, baby Neal appeared on screen. Killian's head sagged in his shoulders. She laughed. _Ah, her poor pirate been pestered the combo mom/technology. Good_.

She opened another conversation on his phone.

D: 'Emma knows!'

She raised her eyebrow.

'About the phone!'

K: 'I'm not surprise. First of all this is not a state secret. Second, I never believed you when you said that you were going to keep you mind shut about this.'

D: 'I find you lack of faith disturbing.'

Yep, her dad had just quoted _Star Wars_.

K: 'Drama queen. ;P'

D: 'I think she's upset.'

'Do you think she's upset?'

K: 'Yes Dave, because I am hiding in the bushes outside the station checking to see if you have angered your daughter.'

And then a picture of her stealthily taken between the fern that they had in the station. _Way to go dad!_ Stalker style. At least now she knew that her sort-of boyfriend had one picture of her, and not only pictures of her baby brother.

K: 'No Dave, she is not upset.'

D: 'Great! '

K: 'Sarcasm!'

D: 'How am I suppose to know that!?'

'Oh! She's on the more… Run for your life!'

K: 'Dave, not. This conversation is over.'

D: 'It was good knowing you mate.'

'I'll miss you.'

K: 'I will not miss you!'

D: 'Liar!'

"So this is what you and my father do now?" said Emma.

Silence.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" she added as she raised an eyebrow to challenge him.

"I know a rhetorical question when I hear one" he said with a wink. She sighed but inwardly she was laughing.

"I think this bromance between you and my dad is going to far."

"Bromance is not a real word," he stated flatly.

"But it's a thing" she said, with finality in her tone. She turned her attention back to the phone and opened another conversation. This one was older! Thursday! He had been over at her place on Thursday! How hadn't she noticed this!

R: 'You better not feed him any sugar in the morning!'

K: 'I'm sorry but is Captain Crunch sugar?'

R: 'Not funny!'

K: 'Why is he a Captain?'

'He is a cartoon, and he doesn't have a ship. I am highly offended at the moment.'

Then Emma saw a selfie of Killian, Henry and a box of Captain Cruch. Both of her boys doing their best pirate snarls at the camera.

R: 'JONES!'

K: 'Oh, so violent!'

R: 'And where is your girlfriend when all of this sugar eating is going down? :[ '

K: 'Not my girlfriend, and she is late for work.'

R: 'Aha!'

K: 'Aren't you late for work too?'

R: 'No!'

'Yes, damn it!'

K: 'Aha!'

R: 'But unlike her I can teleport, so there!'

K: ':P'

R: :[

K:

R: 'Get a job!'

K: 'I am over 350 years old, I they told me I should retire. Now I can be a gentleman of leisure. '

After that, nothing. Apparently Killian had stunned Regina into silence with that logic.

"Why do you text with Regina?" she started carefully. "Actually, why to you have Regina's number? I'm not really her favorite person right now." Guilt. _Marian._

"Your mother programmed her number into my phone and to answer your first question, she and I get along; we are sort-of friends." He shrugged after that statement. "I thought it would be a good idea to remind her of that fact.

"Hopefully, as a courtesy to me, she won't decide to turn my not girlfriend into a bug." He smiled while wiggling his eyebrows.

"Ah, right!" Emma laughed nervously, "I saw that bit." She had to admit to herself that she was a little angry, but mostly disappointed when she saw that part of the conversation.

"It's all right" said Killian dismissively, "my not girlfriend will eventually come to her senses and decide to make it official. Then, perhaps I'd be able to change my Facebook status."

Emma smiled at him and bumped her fist into his shoulder. He leaned and kissed her forehead. And then it hit her. _He has a Facebook page!?_ That was too much information for one day. Her eyes looked comically wide for a moment.

She decided to focus on the problem at hand and so she turned her attention once more to the phone. She opened the last conversation. _Who know that her pirate was such a social butterfly?_

L: 'WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!'

K: 'Are we? It looks like a fine day to me.'

L: 'False alarm, just bees.'

K: 'How can you confuse a hive with a magic infestation?'

L: 'I live on the edge man!'

K: 'I think you are paranoid Leroy!'

L: 'No, I'm a survivor.'

K: 'Well, so am I, but you don't see me screaming hysterically around town.'

L: 'It's a talent only I posses.'

K: 'No it's not!'

L: 'Yes it is!'

K: 'No it's not!'

L: 'Wait!'

K: 'What?'

L: 'WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!'

K: 'Are you sure this time Leroy?'

'Leroy?'

'LEROY'

'Answer your bloody phone! Where are you?'

'If you don't answer in two minutes I'm calling Dave.'

'I mean it Leroy!'

L: 'False alarm.'

K: 'WHAT! You just gave me a small heart attack!'

L: 'Sorry! The wind blew some papers dramatically over.'

K: 'You tire me!'

L: 'No I don't!'

K: 'Yes you do!'

The exchange continued, but Emma had the slight suspicion that she knew where it was heading. As she read this conversation with Leroy she was constantly trying to control her laughter, unsuccessfully. _So that is why Leroy hadn't bothered her or David at the station these past few days. Nice_.

Killian glanced at the screen to see what had entertained her not girlfriend so much. "He's a real character that one." He said without humor. "Gives me about three minor heart attacks a day, and I've only had this blasted device for four days!" he finished with a sigh.

"Good.' Emma said flatly as she returned the phone back to Killian.

She thought that Killian had embraced technology, but it seem that it was technology that had embraced Killian. Apparently, aside from a couple conversations he wasn't having much fun with his phone. On the other hand, she was having a hell of a time reading his messages. She played around a little with his phone.

"I have to go back to the station," said Emma as she leaned to give Killian a kiss, which he accepted gladly.

"I though we were not going to do that sort of thing" he said with a devilish grin on his face.

"One time thing," she responded quickly.

"Yeah right Swan!" and with that Emma began to head down to her squad car. She heard Killian's voice at a distance. "Remember that we have to take Smee for Froyo when Henry gets out of school."

"Yes, yes, see you then," and with that Emma turned the corner.

*ding* Killian's phone sounded the message alarm.

_Blasted little bugger never stops_. Thought the pirate. _Now everyone is pestering me all the time, and I don't even like people that much!_

He glared down at his screen to check the message. The caller ID read 'Swan.' That made him smile inwardly.

Swan: 'I just remembered that I have to babysit Neal this afternoon, and I'm taking Henry with me. Rain check on the Froyo.'

K: 'That is bad form Swan.'

'We will have to take Neal with us, I am not listening to another Ode to the Froyo by myself.'

Swan:

K: 'Your discomfort is a cross I'm willing to bear.'

Swan: 'Funny… not!'


End file.
